


Returning Home (how to break and begin again)

by LyraSaber



Series: A Soldier's Heart [1]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game), Star Wars:The Old Republic - Fandom, swtor - Fandom
Genre: Gen, but also wants to impress, nyaisa knows she's great, start of the trooper story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2020-06-09 15:09:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19478458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyraSaber/pseuds/LyraSaber
Summary: Nyaisa hasn't been back on Ord Mantell in 16 years, not since her life was shattered here. But a soldier goes where she is sent and Havoc Squad is one hell of a promotion. Time to return home, at least for a bit.





	1. Reassignment

Nyaisa bounced her knee with a bit of nervous energy. The shuttle taking her down to Ord Mantell jerked slightly as it dodged separatist fire. She’d never thought she’d return here, there were so many planets in the republic that the chances of being assigned to her home planet seemed so slim. 

Of course, the chances of being pulled from her unit and reassigned to special forces Havoc squad with only a year of service behind her had been pretty damn slim too, but that had happened. She didn’t have too many fond memories here and had a feeling that this mission, whatever it was, wouldn’t give her many new ones.  
Havoc wouldn’t have brought in someone new if something big wasn’t going down. She only hoped she would live up to the expectations her superiors had for her. She was good, she knew that, but Havoc was supposed to be the best, at least that was the reputation, maybe it was all hype, she’d see for herself soon enough.  
As the shuttle set down, she tried to settle her nerves a bit. It wasn’t the combat that had her rattled, she could handle that, it was the transfer. ‘This was life in the army’, she told herself, 'transfers and things you don’t think you’re ready for. You wouldn’t be here if you couldn’t handle it. Now go show them how good you really are.’

She stepped off the shuttle and looked around. The sky was the same silver violet that she remembered and it had the same smell as the spaceport at Fort Garnik last time she’d been there. She pushed away the memories that the home-coming stirred up. There would be time for that later. She spotted the tall man standing by the transport wearing Havoc colors and immediately walked over, noting his rank and saluting.

The much larger man returned the salute and gestured to the transport behind him. She moved quickly aboard, the weight of the cannon on her back comforting and familiar. She settled next to the Lt. for the ride to the Fort. The transport filled up with a few other soldiers and they were off, moving through the warzone that this area had become. 

The Lt. stretched and relaxed into his seat. “Ah, there’s not a feeling in this galaxy like riding a hundred-tonne walker right through the middle of a combat zone, huh, kid?” He had a friendly voice and seemed a relaxed sort of officer. The driver popped in with an update of their current status. Separatists were certainly not cowards. Running around in the open, but small arms wouldn’t be a problem until after she’d arrived at Fort Garnik and was briefed on what she was to be doing.  
“Another beautiful day on Ord Mantell! You excited, kid? Nervous? You know, you’re the first new entry to Havoc Squad in some time.” He was nicer than some officers she’d met, taking time while they were in transit to ask about her as a person, instead of simply quick questions about her skill set. He was still evaluating her, she knew, but he was being friendly about it. Even his reference to her as ‘kid’ didn’t come off as deragatory, if it was just a bit annoying. She could work with this. 

She decided to let herself be herself instead of trying to play humble, dutiful soldier, they’d brought her in on her skills, not her personality. “I’ve got nothing to be nervous about. Fighting is my life." 

He laughed "Confidence. I like it! Getting tapped for Havoc Squad at your age is nothing to sneeze at.” He shifted a bit to look at her. “I’m Lieutenant Bex Kolos, but everyone in Havoc calls me Gearbox. We’re a tight unit- you’ll like it with us." 

"looking forward to it.”

“Good. Now, let me tell you why we’re here: The separatists have nabbed a Republic bomb off of a downed transport - a serious bomb, one of those orbital strike numbers.”

That really wasn’t good. The separatists had caused enough damage with just the weapons they had. A bomb could be a big problem.  
Gearbox continued, very serious now, back in soldier mode. “There’s no telling where these grimy bushwhackers have hidden the thing. They have popular support and hideouts everywhere. Finding this bomb won’t be easy.” 

Just how bad was this going to get’ she wondered. “What are the weapons specs?” 

He leaned forward a bit, she’d been hoping it was one of the smaller ones, that would have been something, at least, however small, clearly no such luck. "The bomb is designed to slag a huge city, so it could wipe this little island right off the map. You’ll get a full op brief once we reach Fort Garnik. For now, just sit back and –“

Suddenly Nyaisa was thrown forward as the transport jolted to the side and stopped moving. She could hear the driver calling a code red, they’d been hit with AP missiles, but before they could get their feet and react, the transport was rocked with a second blast. This one threw her off to the side and she cracked her head against the hard seats. 

She staggered to her feet as soon as she could, trying to will away the dizziness that was hitting her, and started checking in with the other soldiers while Gearbox checked with the driver. Unresponsive probably dead, just one more good soldier lost to this stupid conflict. This was bad, with the walker down, they were all vulnerable and so was any other transport moving through the area so long as the separatists had AP missiles. 

How had she not been warned about that. That was the kind of thing that intelligence was supposed to warn them about. They couldn’t operate at their best if they weren’t given the information they should be. 

Gearbox seemed to agree with her. At least in regards to the dangers of these weapons remaining in separatists hands. She received her orders, go and destroy the weapons cache while he fixed the walker. 

"I hope the seps brought plenty of body bags –they’re gonna need them.”

She stepped out and moved her cannon to a ready position. As she looked around quickly to get her bearings, she noticed a quickly moving freighter pull a sweet barrel roll and dart across her field of vision. She spared a momentary thought for the impressive skill of the pilot before pushing it out and trying to focus on her tasks. A hundred memories and emotions were trying to take over, she shook her head and shoved them down. There wasn't time, she could have a memory-fueled breakdown later, at the fort when the day's work was done. 

She stepped away from the walker and headed down into the village. She might be doing this because it was her job, but this conflict had torn her home planet apart long enough. Any little thing she could do to end it was something she would do. This had to end and hopefully she’d get to help make sure of it.


	2. Introductions and a Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nyaisa gets to meet her new squad and finds out the first steps in the very important mission that brought her back home

She jogged down the hill and pulled her cannon from it’s ever-present place on her back. She wasn’t going to get caught unaware here, she might have a slight advantage on human fighters, but she wasn’t taking any chances. Fate had already decided the outcome of whatever she would face, but she still had her part to play. And she needed to impresses her new CO. This was her first mission on this planet, a single mistake would make her look bad and she never made mistakes, not serious ones anyways. She’d gone this long without losing a fight, she wasn’t going to start now. As she got closer to the village, separatists attacked, no surprise, war zone and all that, she’d used the guerrilla tactics herself. She’d expected it, and they weren’t as good as she’d been, she didn’t let them get the drop on her, quickly bracing herself and firing back, sending streams of fire flying out and dropping them before they were able to fire more than a handful of shots that missed or hit her armor harmlessly. 

She quickly located the AP missiles and destroyed them. Search and destroy missions were always among her favorites, they tended to have an easier end goal, and usually explosions. There was something fun about blowing things up, probably wasn’t healthy, if she was still on Mirial, she’d probably get a lecture, or cheering, depending on who she was working with. But she was an adult now, and a soldier. The Army didn’t care as long as she followed orders and did her job and did it well, which she always did. This was too easy though, almost enough to make her paranoid. As she sent the last crate of missiles up in smoke, she heard her comm chime and pulled it out, keeping an eye on her surroundings as she got her orders. 

“Nice work, kid! You’ve got a talent-- there’s no denying that. I, however, didn’t have much success. This walker isn’t gonna be moving anytime soon.”

"What happens next?” 

“I’m going to stay here and salvage all the goodies off this wreck before someone else does. You had better head for Fort Garnik. Be sure to keep your eyes open for seps on your way to the Fort -- they can come at you out of nowhere.” It was a good plan. She still needed to report into her CO and they really couldn’t afford to let seps get at a downed walker if they could help it. 

She had to admit, she kinda liked gearbox already, he didn’t talk down to her in a condescending manner, there was more of a friendliness to it. Sort of acknowledging that she was the youngest and the newest and making sure she was reminded of dangers without necessarily implying she was useless. “I’ll keep my eyes open.”

“Stay sharp out there, I’ll see you at the Fort” Gearbox cut off the comm and Nyaisa took a breath. Time for another fun run, she took off jogging out of the village and was quickly stopped by another soldier warning her about snipers in the area targeting refugees. That wasn’t going to fly on her watch, she was good at killing and destroying. As she ran, she kept an eye out, shooting down as many snipers as she saw, her cannon spitting fire, it’s roar a familiar and reassuring echo. These seps were targeting refugees, their own people, innocent civilians who just wanted to avoid the fighting, and somehow they still claimed that they were standing up for the people of Ord Mantell. No! She didn’t believe that for a minute. There was more going on. She could feel it, in her bones, or the sensitivity that most Mirialans had, she wasn’t sure what it was, but she knew there was more here than what she could see. 

The refugee camp looked much the same as it had all those years ago, just bigger. More people hurt, more lives destroyed. She wasn’t helpless this time though, she could help end the conflict this time. If her skills lay in combat, then by the force, she would use them as best she could. She was very very good after all. She did hope that they wouldn’t keep her in the Fort running errands or correlating data or whatever other stuff special forces kept for their newest. She would do better in the field. It felt good to be fighting separatists, to be helping one of her homes as she best could. 

Getting inside the fort and finding her way to the office she was meeting in was easy. She figured things would be pretty simple, should have counted on word spreading about a new recruit to Havoc. Gossip spread fast as lightspeed through barracks. She’d certainly spread more than her share through the years. The young private who stopped her as she entered the building she was supposed to be meeting her squad in seemed pretty excited. Kid was probably about as green as they come, straight out of training and on his first posting. 

The private confirmed that observation quickly. “...It’s a real honor to meet you! Ord Mantell is my first post. -- I can’t believe I’m here at the same time as Havoc Squad!” She could see Havoc colors in the next room, but Farn seemed so excited to talk to her and a bit awkward. Stumbling over his words, stuttering out his ‘surprise’ that she was a woman, and seemingly briefly forgetting army standard ‘sir’ applied to all soldiers. 

“Do you have a problem with female officers, private?” She wasn’t going to put up with it, if that was the case. She’d worked too hard for her rank to deal with any shit from someone who couldn’t deal with female officers. It happened, rarely, but it happened, and she didn’t need to deal with that. 

Of course, the question just made the poor private stutter more as he tried to explain he didn’t have a problem with her being a woman, there wasn’t really a problem at all. “… no, of course not, Sergeant! It’s just that you’re so… uh, what I mean is… nevermind.” Ah, so that was what all the stuttering was about… She could work with that, as long as the kid let her do her job without interference. She might as well go easy on him. He seemed the nice sort after all, sweet and enthusiastic. If a bit curious about the mission she was on. He seemed as confused as to why Havoc was on Ord Mantell as she had been when she’d heard about it. 

“We’re Special Forces, highly classified. I can’t really discuss our missions.” everyone in the army understood the value of keeping classified information top secret or at least that those responsible for doing so wouldn’t talk about it. She said her goodbyes to the kid and smiled as he saluted and walked away. She kinda did hope they’d see each other again, it hadn’t been an unwished pleasantry. He was nice. She straightened and walked into the next room to face her future. 

‘Just another squad’, she thought to herself, ‘no pressure, I got this. I’m damn good, it’s just another posting, another mission, same as always. I got this.’ She walked in and could clearly pick out the Havoc members. Of the 4 she could see, one was zabrak and another Mirialan. It was nice to know she wasn’t going to be the only non-human in the squad, not that it was much of a problem when she was, it was just… nice... not to be. They seemed to be discussing search parameters and focus areas, but stopped when she was noticed. “Sergeant! Welcome. Welcome!” He walked over and she snapped out a proper salute. She was going to make a good impression, she wasn’t just a good fighter, she was a proper soldier and she would make sure she acted like it. The commander continued his introductions, she’d read through the files she was given access to on her way to the planet, but it was still good to put faces, names and skills together in person and not file photos. “Good to have you here. I’m Commander Harron Tavus. Havoc Squad’s commanding officer. We’re all excited to have some new blood in the unit. Let me introduce you to the other members of Havoc Squad.” She noticed how the others moved into a line behind him. They moved with a sharpness and ease that spoke of deep familiarity and ingrained discipline, even if she hadn’t known that this unit had been together for years, she would have been able to see it based on how they moved around each other, they moved with precision and an awareness of each others location that only time and experience could create. 

“My second-in-command, Captain Zora, is the squad’s inflitration and assassination specialist. We call her Wraith. She glanced over to Captain Zora, Wraith, she guessed she was supposed to call her. She was part of the squad now. She ran her eyes over the other woman's face, quickly reading her life in the tattoos, she knew Wraith was doing the same to her. It was as common to meeting other Mirialans saying hello, or shaking hands, just part of them. There wasn’t a lot to be hidden when your successes and your failures are written all over your face. The heightened stamina, speed and agility that Mirialans had over humans likely assisted in Wraith’s skill in her areas of speciality. She seemed a bit cold and distant though, contrary to the much more open and welcoming personalities of Gearbox and Commander Tavus. The Commander gestured over his shoulder at the Zabrak, he looked about her age, perhaps a few years older, she wasn’t sure. “This is Fuse-- Lieutenant Vanto Bazren. He’s an expert with every type of explosive in the known galaxy.”

Fuse seemed a bit shy. “Oh, uh, yes, hello, sergeant, hello. Good to meet you.” She hoped he was just shy or tense about the mission. But he still seemed alright, if a bit different than what she would expect from an explosives expert. 

The commander gestured to the man on his other side. A cyborg, older than her, younger than Tavus. Something about him felt off, just a bit strange and unsettling. “And this is Needles. Lieutenant Ryler Dorant. Needles is a medical genius -- he’s particularly adept at synthesising powerful new combat stimulants and adrenals.” 

Needles spoke more than the others, “Perfection is my art, Sergeant. It will be my honor to help you perform at your very best.” There was still something off about him, but Nya tried to brush it off. There was usually something unsettling about Cyborgs and it was usually just their implants and she didn’t want to let that color her interactions with this group. A squad needed to rely on each other after all and Needles was the one who was going to be patching her up when, and not if, she got injured. 

“And of course, you met Gearbox on your way here, so that’s everyone. You’ll get a nickname when we know what fits.” He turned and addressed the rest of the Squad. “People, this is the new sergeant I mentioned, Nyaisa Shabre-- ranked first in the academy in Forward Assault, Search and Destroy and Advance Recon. It’s good to have you, Shabre.” 

For all the different personalities and the time they’d been together without any incoming transfers, they seemed a good group, one that she could find a place with, hopefully, maybe even stay a little while longer than usual. “It’s a real pleasure to meet all of you.” 

The commander turned and moved towards the datascreens streaming information about the area and sep movements. Introductions were over and now it was time to work. That was fine, she’d get to know the others better when they were done for the day and besides, you got to know someone pretty well when you fought with them. There was something about battle that taught you things about the people who had your back. She fell in with the others as the Commander went over the details. “Now, the reason we’re all here: A republic transport, carrying among the Cargo a ZR- 57 orbital strike bomb, crashed in northern Avilatan six days ago. Recovery unit sent a team, but they were too late. Separatist forces had already stolen the transports cargo, including the ZR-57, and fled.” 

That matched up with what she’d been told already, they were in trouble, orbital strike bombs had varying capabilities, but they were all nasty. “What are the ZR-57’s capabilities, sir?”

Fuse was the one who answered, he was the explosives expert after all. It broke down to big ass bomb that would blow up the entire damn Island and everyone on it. Aka, get that force-damned thing back ASAP or we’re all dead. The breakdown on the mission was simple. Currently running individual recon assignments, trying to get information and find where the thing had been taken. Her first assignment, go out and meet a spy, Bellis, she noted, remembering the name, names were important when working with assets, they tended not to trust easily. Apparently, Bellis had found something important, but couldn’t get out to send the information, so she had to go in and meet with him in one of the nearer villages, Talloran. Go out, get to Talloran quick as she could, get the information and head back. Simple assignment. She acknowledged her understanding of the assignment and prepared to be dismissed. She couldn’t just leave, it was still one of the more irritating parts of being in the army. Years of academy training and field experience and she still had to stop herself from running off as soon as she got the information on a mission. Discipline and Duty, she reminded herself, Republic soldiers have Discipline. She heard soft footsteps behind her, but it was a base, so she didn’t pay it much mind, there were always people coming and going. It was good that she stayed put as Tavus continued, gesturing behind her. “I have one last introduction to make. This is Lieutenant Aric Jorgan, an operations officer from the Republic’s Ord Mantell Infantry Command.” He moved to stand by the tall Cather he introduced. Nyaisa saluted and tried to get a read on the new LT. The only thing she got was ‘stern’. “Since we’re on individual missions to search for this bomb, Lieutenant Jorgan is coordinating our efforts from here.” 

Stern had been being nice, She didn’t even say a single word before he started in with the same tone her instructors used in training when some recruit was being difficult or stupid. She remained standing at attention. She wasn’t going to give him any reason to see her as anything less than a perfect soldier. “I’ll make this completely clear, rookie- when you’re in the field, what I say goes, period.” Seriously! Rookie! Just who the hell did he think she was! Rookies didn’t get assigned to Havoc Squad! She’d been fighting since she was 15! She had 8 years of training and experience and 6 of those were in combat. And even if she didn’t, was there really a need for him to talk down to her like that. She didn’t even know him and she disliked the guy. 

She swallowed her anger, and her pride. Discipline and Duty, she reminded herself, Discipline and Duty. But she couldn’t quite get all of her pride, she’d worked hard for her skills, she wouldn’t talk back but she didn’t have to take this. “I can handle myself, sir.”

Of course his response just made her more irritated, of course the other members of Havoc had dozens of ops under them and so did she, which he’d know if he’d bothered to think for 30 seconds about Havocs rep and the type of soldier that would be assigned to the unit. She’d just have to show him. This wasn’t just about showing off her skill set to her new squad and helping her home planet and doing her duty. It was about earning respect. She’d show him, she’d show everyone, she wasn’t to be underestimated. “Just make your way to Talloran, meet with Bellis, and find out what he knows without screwing anything up.” 

At least Commander Tavus was slightly more polite, simply wishing her luck and dismissing her. She could handle this. Abrasive officers weren’t a new thing. She’d dealt with them before. She could handle this. She left the building and headed out of the fort. She’d prove herself. She was a damn fine soldier, and a better fighter, they’d learn just how good she could be. Then it wouldn’t matter what their personality was, because she’d have their respect and she could live with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. All feedback is valued. Comments and Kudos feed the muse


	3. We made our family proud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Successfully completed assignments are no guarantee that a day will end well for a soldier. Nyaisa may be good at her job and bonding well with her squad but the day can turn as fast as a sentence from a bartenders lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in updating. I'm working, prepping for next semesters registration and working on 3 stories simultaneously alongside my other projects and managing my health. I'm not so sure about my dialogue for this chapter, but we're going with it. See my other two stories for more about the other Shabres

She ran through the fort and out onto the road. Quickly making her way out to Talloran. A few seps tried to get in her way, but clearly they weren’t given strong enough armor because her cannon takes care of them easily enough. As she reaches the barricade she notices a few soldier watching something going on on the beach, but they don’t seem worried, so she focuses on her own mission. Moving through the village seemed a constant fight. All the civilians seemed to be staying indoors, good plan, it was best for them to stay out of the way, less risk of getting caught in the crossfire that way. She quickly reached the alley where she was supposed to meet the contact. She’d made very good time getting there too. It seemed that good time wasn’t quite enough though as there in the alley was a body. 

She knelt and rolled him over, checking for a pulse. The body was still warm, he hadn’t been dead long, a few minutes most likely. Her comm chimed and she pulled it out to see Lt. Jorgan looking pissed. “Great. Bellis is KIA. That’s some fine work, Sergeant! Do you think you could have taken a little longer to get to the RV point?”

She felt a spark of anger. She was good at her job and had moved here as quickly as possible. It wasn’t her fault that she’d been held up for extra minutes getting a lecture on how to do her job. He probably knew that as well as she did. He could see how quickly she’d moved after all. That was the point of the armor cam, or at least one of them.

She was angry, Jorgan couldn’t have done better at getting here, so why’d he think he could lecture her about her skills and speed. “Sir, please come and assist me if you feel it would be beneficial, Sir.” She wasn’t going to lose her position due to lack of proper respect for superior officers, but she also wasn’t going to just let him push her around. Her job was the one area of her life she generally felt confident about. At least so far. 

Either Jorgan was in a good mood, wasn’t actually upset at her pushing back or they were just too busy in his eyes, because instead of a lecture on her attitude like she had expected, she simply got a stern “This isn’t a joke, Sergeant.” Before he gave her instructions on finding the field box that he should have kept and sending her off with a reminder to stay alert and hurry. Maybe there was more going on with this frustratingly stern Lieutenant than she thought. Only time would tell, and hopefully she wouldn’t be spending much time on this planet. 

The visit to retrieve the field box was unpleasant to say the least. No one had bothered to tell her that the man was married, so she walked straight into a next of kin notification with no warning. His wife was naturally distraught when she broke the news, which she did as gently as possible, too many people died here. Now there was one more and this one personal to the poor woman. She’d been careful to be as empathetic as possible, the woman was furious, but she got the box. During one of her anger fueled rants, Nya had responded by saying that just because Bellis had helped the republic, doesn’t mean he’d been doing it for the republic. He helped for the sake of Ord Mantell, for his home, the same reason she fought. For the planet she’d been born on, for her home. That had softened her slightly, not much, but enough that she told Nya where the field box was before telling her to get out. It hadn’t been a lie either, Ord might not be her home anymore, but it’d been her home once and for as long as she was here, she would fight for it and help her people as she could. She’d even taken the risk of punishment to shut down a listening post and earlier helped put a few snipers out of commision so people could travel safely. She’d help where she could, she was disappointed that this wasn’t something she could fix though. She couldn’t bring someone back, all she could do what make sure the information was put to good use. 

She moved carefully but quickly back to the fort. She wasn’t going to risk failure on this job. She’d show them, they doubted her skills? She’d be so damn good that they wouldn’t be able to talk down to her again. No failures, no more mistakes. 

Fuse and Jorgan were waiting for her when she arrived. Fuse was friendly, but shy and Jorgan was stern and unforgiving. Never mind that she’d successfully managed to move highly sensitive information through enemy territory without them discovering she had the data. Fine, so be it. One way or another, she was earning this assholes respect. She didn’t know why she took his demeanor as a personal challenge, but she did. And she never failed a challenge. Fuse greeted her with a compliment on her work and Lt. Jorgan with a dig at her failure. She refused to take the bait.

Lt. Bazren at least was willing to give her a chance, or more likely he was following orders. She had a good record. They just had to let her prove it. Fuse sent her off with a quick briefing on an informant that had been thrown out which was apparently common according to Jorgan, due to the large number of incredibly desperate people. Seemed stupid to her. A war like this, the people vs. the people, one side backed by the republic and who knows who, if anyone, was backing the other. The people were the ones most likely to have information; but resources were limited. There just weren’t enough people to check out every tip they got, so only the most credible would be listened to. One of the unfortunate parts of being a Republic soldier. 

Her contact, Mirru was of course, pissed off as soon as she approached. Apparently the soldiers had beat him when they threw him out. This planet was a wreck and it seemed like some of the worst of the Republic had been assigned here. A few minutes talking with him and the promise to speak to her superiors about compensation and he was telling her about the bombs he’d seen being planted. It wasn’t the bomb they’d been hoping it was, but an attack on one of their convoys was a serious threat that had to be dealt with immediately. Jorgan clearly agreed with that assessment, as it wasn’t 30 seconds after Mirru was out of earshot, and she’d turned to head over to the road he’d pointed out that her comm chimed. She’d already been heading to disarm the bombs, but doing it on orders was just part of the job. It was getting late and the troops would be trying to get wherever they were going (she hadn’t been given that info and didn’t need it) before it got dark. They wouldn’t be prepared for bombs, that was her job, at least it was now. 

Naturally, nothing on Ord Mantell could be simple and disarming bombs was no different. She ended up in firefights attempting an approach to every one of the bombs. They’d set up a solid ambush, plenty of Seps to finish off anyone how survived the original ambush. They weren’t prepared for someone who knew they were there though. ‘Of course they are hanging out around every bomb, because not doing that would make this too easy.’ She grumbled in her own head as she fought her way through to the second one. Eventually she’d managed to clear the area and sent a quick message so that Jorgan could inform the convoy leader that the way was cleared and headed back. By this time, the very last traces of light were stretching across the sky and by the time she made it back to Fort Garnik, even those were gone and night had truly fallen on Ord Mantell. 

She headed straight back to report in. She noticed Private Farn staring at her as she came in, he went back to his work as soon as he noticed that she’d seen him. But something was off, he seemed nervous, more nervous than simple curiosity about a new officer would dictate. Hopefully, there wouldn’t be any problems, but she’d either find out or she wouldn’t, either way, if it didn’t effect her work than right now, she didn’t much care. Commander Tavus was waiting for her when she entered. She could hear soldiers being let off duty for the night while those who needed to keep watch overnight took up their duties. Everyone was settling in for the beginnings of another uneasy night in a warzone. She reached the Commander who was talking with Jorgan who seemed, strangely, more frustrated than when she’d left. “Sergeant, Good to see you again. Superb work on that ambush situation - adaptability like that is what Havoc Squad is all about.”

She was inordinately pleased with the compliment. There wasn’t a soldier worth their pay who hadn’t heard at least one story of Havoc Squad or Commander Tavus and while she may be part of that squad, having a soldier like him recognize her talents was nice. Still though, she wasn’t a fool and was disappointed that it hadn’t helped further their mission, she suspected that was what had the more-prominant-than-it-had-been scowl that Jorgan was wearing. “We’re no closer to finding the bomb than we were before.”

The Commander nodded “Not for long- The information is still being decrypted and we’re waiting for leads, but they should come through in the next few hours. For now though, food and rest. I’ll need you in top form when we get our next objectives. Most of the squad headed to the Cantina already, food there’s better than the mess, join them if you feel like it. Report back at 0700, but be prepared to go if we get a call early”

She nodded, food and rest sounded good right about now, and maybe a shower. “Understood, Sir.” 

“And sergeant, you’ve had a good first day in the squad, you’ll fit right in. Dismissed.” She saluted and headed out. As she stepped back onto the street, she sighed and rolled her shoulders. Finally off-duty, she made her way to her bunk and tucked away her cannon. She didn’t need it again until the morning unless she got called in early, and the Cantina wasn’t far, she might as well join her squad, if she stayed by herself here for too long, she might start wallowing and that wasn’t a good plan, she needed find distractions to relax, not moping around. Though, it wasn’t too late, she had a few minutes. She pulled out a datapad, she might as well send a quick message to Nordan, they’d been together on and off for 5 years, and despite all the difficulties they’d had, she finally thought that they were in a good place. Or at least they had been last time she’d been able to talk to him. The human soldier was a lieutenant and currently deployed on Hoth. Communications were rare, but she was used to that, they both were, they were soldiers and knew how it was. Still though, she hadn’t had a chance to tell him about her transfer before she had to go and neither her move to special forces nor her location were something she could discuss over unsecured channels. She could send encrypted messages though, and as long as she was vague about the details, then she could keep him informed until she could contact him and they could speak, if only over Holo. She quickly typed out a message, she’d already sent one saying she was being transferred again and this time it was big and she was very proud and excited. She had explained that she couldn’t provide details in a message, but they’d talk as soon as they could, but he hadn’t replied. This one was brief, simple stating that the new squad seemed to be working out, and she hoped he was as proud of her for making it to where she was as she was of herself. They’d talk again soon. Signing off with her love, she tucked the datapad away and with a deep breath, headed over to the Cantina, time to stop being the soldier and just be the woman for a bit, if she could. 

She stepped inside the Cantina and it was like any cantina on any other planet, smoke filled corners, the smell of sweat and alcohol permeating the air and the same style of music. Soldiers both in and out of uniform filled the space, eating, drinking, playing Sabbac or Pazaak or any number of other games of cards and chance. She noticed her squad clustered around a table in one of the corners, laughing at something one of them had said. Gearbox looked over as she entered and raised a hand in greeting, she nodded at them and stepped to the bar, grabbing a beer and ordering her food before heading over and taking a seat that Needles had pulled over from the empty table next to them. She added her plate to the already covered table and tried to relax into the conversation. 

A couple hours or so of conversation and battle stories and Nya was liking this group. Sure, wraith seemed a bit cold, and needles a bit creepy, but they were still an interesting group. It was down to just her and Fuse and Gearbox still at the table. Wraith had disappeared to do whatever and Needles had stepped away and was spinning around the dance floor with a rather pretty, fairly tipsy Mirialan woman in civilian clothes, at least the glimpses that Nya got were of someone pretty. A pause in the flow of conversation had her stepping over to the bar to grab another round of drinks for them, the last round, a couple of beers was acceptable, getting drunk was not and they were all aware of that. The bartender looked at her. “Not seen you in here before, and I know most of the soldiers here. New transfer?”

She smiled, the beer and good conversation relaxing her. “Yep, just arrived today.”  
“Seems you’re with that special forces team, heard they deal with some nasty stuff. Not surprising ya need a drink today” He filled all their mugs and slid them over to her. “So what’s yer name, soldier?” 

She gathered up the mugs and went to head back “Shabre”. Of all the reactions she might have expected, recognition and pity were not among them. “Something wrong with that?” She asked a little thrown by the bartenders expression.

“Ya hadn’t heard then? Thought they would’ve told ya.” He sighed “Guess it’s my job now then.”

She placed the mugs back on the counter and leaned towards him.”What are you going on about. Tell me now.”

“Tos, Zesr, and Nodeu, the family names the same and allya’lls” he vaguely waved at her, in the way people did when they wanted to bring her species into a conversation without being rude, which tended to be more annoying.

She sighed “Yes, my cousins, we’re all mirialan.” This was going to be bad, no one got that look when they had good news. “How bad?” 

“Dead. Seps got ‘em all last week, don’t know most of the details, just heard from their units couple days after it happened. You have my condolences.” She sat down hard at the bar. She’d just talked to them a fortnight ago. They’d been so angry about everything, satisfied that they were transferred to help their former home and determined to make a difference. They’d been by her side through all the changes in their lives. Out of everyone she’d had once, her mother was still sick from the injuries she’d gotten years and years before, all she had was her brother and her cousins and now those cousins were gone and somehow, she hadn’t been notified. She could look into that later. For now, it was all she could do to hold herself together, she’d already humiliated herself with an outbreak of emotion in front of a new squad once, years before, she wasn’t going to do so again. She wasn’t...she… A few tears slipped out and her fist came down slamming into the bar as her head dropped into her hand. A handful of heartbeats passed and she felt a hand land gently on her shoulder. She looked up to see Fuse standing there looking at her with a sober expression. He picked up the drinks and jerked his head at the table where Gearbox sat looking mildly concerned. She let herself fall into her chair and wrapped her hands around her mug and tried to pull herself together. She was a soldier, Damn it!. She’d seen death, lost people she was close too before. She shouldn’t still have reactions like this. She shouldn’t feel so shocked and upset, that was for civilians. 

Gearbox nudged her with an elbow, “What the hell did that guy say to get this reaction kid? Who’d ya lose?” 

Of course, he could see the death. Few things could shake someone who’d seen what they had. She sighed and tried to answer. “Cousins, all three, last of them. Only my brother and me left now.” Her voice came out flat and emotionless. “Seps got them last week, and I wasn’t told” 

There wasn’t anything to say here. Losing friends, losing family, loss itself was a known feeling after the war, hell, during the war. Soldiers lost people, there weren’t many words that could make that better. She’d have to go and pick up their effects, make sure they got funerals, send messages to Mirial, there were things she had to do, but...She just couldn’t deal with any of them right then. 

Gearbox simply squeezed her shoulder and took a drink. Surprisingly it was Fuse who spoke up. “You were close?” 

She sighed again and nodded, staring into her beer. She really wished she could have something stronger. But the mission wouldn’t allow for it. “We grew up over on the mainland. After our village was sacked during the war, it was just the 4 of us. Got scooped out of the refugee camp, the one outside the gates, and shipped out to Mirial. Only 4 of our family left, well technically 5, but my brothers a Jedi and we thought he was dead for years, so.” She shrugged, feeling the burning in her eyes as she tried not to lose it. “We were all we had for years, helped us keep going after everything, we all joined the army within a few years of each other and they’d been so happy to be assigned to the same place for once. I was looking forward to a reunion if there was time.” 

She felt his hand cover hers with a soft squeeze and a gentle, muttered “sorry”. She squeezed back. Gearbox still had his hand, solid and steady on her shoulder. He was nice, but there was something quiet and gentle about Fuse that she liked. She’d bonded with the group as a whole tonight, but these two, they were her favorites among the squad and she really liked Fuse especially, he was really funny too, when he got a bit more comfortable around her. 

She squeezed his hand back, gently and leaned into Gearbox hand just a bit. “Thanks guys, but I think I’m going to my bunk early tonight, long day tomorrow.” They nodded and she threw a few credits on the table to cover her tab and moved to the door. As she stepped out, she noticed Wraith had returned and both her and Gearbox were whispering or possibly hissing at Fuse, she couldn’t bring herself to be curious though. Squad dynamics she wasn’t yet clued into, she’d figure it out at some point if it was important. Tonight, she just wanted to cry. She knew the squad would be back in their bunks soon enough, but for this moment, they weren’t there. She managed to remember to set her alarm early, she’d need extra time in the morning, after today, she knew that. At least her soldier training and experience was good for something in this situation. She was even able to pull up the reports on her cousins deaths. She could only make it through Zesr’s before it was too much. He’d fought bravely, apparently Seps hit a convoy near the barricade at Talloran and his unit had been one to respond. He’d saved lives of other soldiers. She wasn’t sure how the others died, but she couldn’t take reading more tonight. They wouldn’t have gone as fiercely as Zesr had. She was so proud of them! she missed them so much it felt like her heart had burst from the pain. Force-Damn it! Why them, why’d they have to die? Why couldn’t she just keep them? Everything she'd lost, her sisters, aunts, uncles, other cousins, friends, squadmates, why couldn't she just keep those three? She was so damn proud of them, but so damn hurt to lose them. 

She tucked her alarm into its place to wake her and collapsed into bed, turning away from the door and finally letting her tears fall, sobbing near silently into her pillow, the shaking of her shoulders the only thing that could give her away as slowly, unpleasantly, fretfully, her tears slowed and stopped and she drifted off into an uneasy sleep from pure exhaustion of loss and the days work. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! comments and kudos feed my muse.


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